Letting People Walk All over You or Not

I had a talk with Daughter the other day which I didn't enjoy giving but which I thought was important to give her.  She does not as yet have the self confidence I wish her to have.  She doesn't like being in the limelight and questions her talents even when everyone else acknowledges them. 

A recent play date went off brilliantly except when her friend thought that Daughter had let her have the bracelet she let her wear during dress up time.  When I found out I let her know that she needed to make amends as I'd just bought it as a gift for her less than a week ago, and it wasn't cheap.  In the end, Daughter did manage to hold on to the bracelet but by offering a choice of another bracelet which she told her friend she'd made herself for her.  However friend was a bit grumpy after that and demanded some other gifts to make her stop being a grouch. 

A week or two later I reflected back and realised that the said friend always was very assertive and demanding (for toys and trinkets) whenever she was over.  And we, both me and Daughter had never said no to her.  Even when Daughter had managed to salvage precious bracelet on last occasion, she had not done so in a forthright manner.  It was lucky for her that said Friend had fallen for the bait for the other bracelet!

I told Daughter that she needed not to be a walk over like I had been until only recently.  I admit, I have always found it hard to say no to people even when I knew that they were clearly taking advantage of me, and would never return the favour, judging from their past behaviour.  I explained to her about the "survival of the fittest rule" and how most people always followed that rule.  Soft people ended up being taken advantage of and victims and hard people went ahead.  I know that this may have been a bit too early to break such mean news to her but she needs to beware earlier than I became so.  It's hard to teach this old dog (i.e moi) new tricks.  The earlier the lesson learnt, the better.

It's only recently that I have started getting a bit tough on "friends".  There are "friends" who never ever invite us over when we are in town, and have frankly jumped to stay at our place, wherever we happen to be.  There are friends who write for information whenever they need it, but don't bother to write back when I try to get in touch.  There are "friends" who don't pick up the phone when I call, with the aid of their smart phones which send me straight to voice mail, but only when they don't need anything from me.  And for these "friends" until recently I would move heaven and earth to please them.  It's only this year I realised that I need to stop being a walk over.  I don't want Daughter to wait as long as I did.

Tiredness

So this post comes months later from the previous one and the reason has been given in the title.  Tiredness.  Yes, I am so much more tired these days than I remember being in the past.  And the days seem way shorter. 

I was trying to decide yesterday whether I have really reason enough to feel so much more tired these days, or whether it's just the dreaded getting older bit.

Well, this year has been the mother of all years for bad luck for my family.  We have had pretty much continued sicknesses to deal with since April.  My old daily maid left, and my dish washer conked out pretty soon after that.  Which means more daily washing up, a task I detest and I have not done by hand ever since I can remember.  H has been sick on and off since April, so the things he used to give me a hand with have gone down significantly. 

We had to fumigate the whole apartment recently for which we put away huge amounts of things in boxes and they had to be unpacked.  Speaking of packing/unpacking we had rather a lot of trips which we went on which increased the work load when we come back (pack/unpack)

The school run has become horrendous.  Daughter's school starts half an hour earlier and ends half hour later.  Because the commute is much worse I'm spending double the time travelling.  Before April, H used to drop her off 5 days a week and then it suddenly went down to zero.  Now, slowly he's gone back to 2 days a week. 

Daughter's homework load has quadrupled.  She often needs supervision so the rest I used to give myself in the afternoons has pretty much disappeared.

Psychologically it has been a trying year.  And when one worries or is depressed, tiredness follows. 

I had given up doing so many things I used to do before if not religiously, at least much more frequently than I do now.  Things I gave up include doing yoga, hitting the gym atleast 2 to 3 times a week.  My skin had also started reflecting all the stress I was going through and I had the worst skin and hair this year than I remember having since after having my baby. 

Anyway, recently, about a month ago I guess, I stopped waiting for things to get better.  I decided to accept as much as possible that this is the new reality.  And get back with baby steps to the way things were.  So this week I have managed to do yoga twice (perhaps for 10-15 minutes max) and hit the gym (again not more than 20 minutes each day).  Have also finally started some at home solutions in an attempt to revive my much troubled skin.  And gone back to blogging. 

So here goes.  after 4 months I have finally stopped waiting and just started accepting. 

Crowning Glory? Not so much

I've finally decided not to visit Cr*wn again.  It's a high end hair and beauty parlour here.  It is a great place looks wise.  However I've had my fair share of bad experiences there.  They include:

• Being cut while having a pedicure done (they didn't charge me for that but hell, I could have contracted a disease)
• Having my hair cut 6 inches shorter than I had asked for.
• Allowing pets inside.
• Just charging ridiculous amounts.  This has increased after they have moved to their new premises.  Recently I booked a hair ironing.  Wanting to know how much it would cost (I was going to take cash, which I often don't have enough of) they told me Rs 2000 was the starting price but it would depend on my hair length.  I described my hair : it was half way down my back.  They said it would have to wait until I came and then they would look at my hair and tell me.  I arrived at the parlour and showed the reception guy my hair.  I pointed out that it was already re-bonded and only needed straightening at the crown.  He still didn't mention an amount and told me to wait.  Finally the person who was going to do the work turned up.  I had my shampooing done by an assistant/ trainee and then the main guy (who's a hot shot in the hair cutting business here) arrives.  Note that I didn't ask for a senior person to do my simple hair straightening.  Hot shot wants to know what my husband does, does he work here.  When I confirmed that he did work here, he goes "So you're here to spend his money!"  How ridiculous and insulting, however I didn't show that I was offended.  Halfway through another customer arrives and beckons Hot Shot over.  He moves over to other customer half way, leaving trainee to finish up.  Anyway, when I go to pay the bill hot shot guy comes and whispers something to billing guy/receptionist.  Then I find out that I've been charged Rs 3500 for something that other parlours charge Rs 1800 or below and for which I've never before paid more than Rs 2000 at Cr*wn itself.  Also I know this is physical labour but the results of the hair straightening in a humid area like Colombo last couple of hours at most.  I had to re iron my hair in the evening before I went out.  That's Rs 3500 just down the drain.

What happened at the parlour is just unacceptable in my opinion.  If one is to charge such a ridiculously high amount one has to inform the client well before the services start not after as a rude shock.  Especially as I had wanted to know earlier.  One should know that a satisfied customer is the only type of customer to have and if you try to screw the customer around too much you just lose money.  Now I know this may be the Hot Shot guy's fault rather than the whole parlour's but I'm not risking such bad treatment again.  In my opinion a place that makes so much money should not be trying to play silly games like these.

Tsunami Alert

April 11 was a truly scary day in my life. H was not here. He was travelling as usual. I had gone out with Daughter, shopping. The driver was supposed to go on leave for about 3 days from the afternoon. We returned home around 1pm. At around 2.20pm, having just finished our lunch, started Skyping with H. While chatting suddenly felt a swaying motion. Asked Daughter if she was moving the table. Negative. Again swaying. Again checked. It seemed to be an earthquake. Quickly checked the news networks on the internet. Nothing. Couple of more minutes of checking revealed that there had been an earthquake off the coast of Sumatra, Indonesia. More checking, and found that a tsunami alert had been given for quite a number of countries including Sri Lanka. Panic. Made a number of calls and sent an sms. Decided to leave ASAP. Our house faces the sea, just a minute's walk from here. After spending a ridiculous amount of time trying to get my day maid to understand the fact that there had been an earthquake, took the lift downstairs. People in the reception tried to convince me not to leave saying the building was earthquake proof. However who said it was tsunami proof? Could not find the driver. The phone networks were down. Sent a helpful looking security guard down to the basement to find him. A worried looking neighbour was on her way up. She told me the British High Comission had told them to leave. Phone calls kept coming in from H's organisation telling me to leave the area near the coast and go atleast 2.5 km inland. A good samaritan hailing from the same country as me invited me over to their place. We left when the driver finally turned up after a few agonising minutes' wait.

The Driver drove helter skelter through the streets as if any minute the tsunami was going to come and swallow us all up. The roads were absolutely jam-packed and everyone had a worried look on their face and a mobile stuck to their ear. Obviously trying to reach their loved ones. The Driver took another detour and drove like mad to our destination. We got out, relieved. Our friends welcomed us inside. From then on, 2 or more agonsing hours of wait beside the TV which had been turned on to CNN. It had been declared that the tsunami would hit Colombo at 4.50pm. Luckily there was another earthquake a bit later, which deflected the tsunami from reaching.

We spent the night at this friend's place. It was a horrible night of never ending rain, thunder and lightning. Rarely had I spent a more sleepless night.

Returned in the morning to our home, but once reached, packed an emergency bag. The Driver was given his leave one day late, so I kept the car keys ready, just in case there was another earthquake. In the event that there was another emergency I was ready to leave.

I was struck by several things. The country was quite unprepared for such an event. There was no alert system such as a siren. It was basically word of mouth. Nobody called me up to warn me. It's lucky that I had felt the earthquake and decided to leave. The other thing was how uncaring most people were. I had posted an update on facebook before and after I left. I had hardly had a message wishing me well. Let alone a phonecall.The only people who'd called me where my parents and parents in law. In this day of instant communication, I thought the lack of caring spoke volumes. Ofcourse it was hard to understand what had happened from just my update, and I totally don't hold anything against those who really didn't know what was happening, but there were people who knew exactly what had happened (that I had left and taken shelter, and still didn't send an sms or even the free email). However, there were people who I didn't realise were my friends, but who did show me that they cared. The people who opened up their home to me are not too well off at all, and truth be told, I never had considered them real friends in the past. However their generosity really hit home with me. My maid had offered to take me to her home in Gampaha and spend the night with me if I was scared. The Driver had stayed around far beyond his duty time in case I needed his help further. The genorisity of these simple souls was heart warming.

Skincare : 101

Ok, it's ridiculous that I am posting this update, since I am the laziest person when it comes to skin care or a beauty regimen. However, my breakouts were going from bad to worse. Nothing seemed to work, none of the wonderful products that are claimed to do wonders for your skin in the TV ads. Anyway, so recently bought some King Coconuts for Daughter who was quite ill one day recently with a stomach bug. Then it dawned on me to try using the water for the ugly marks the constant attack of acne was leaving behind. And touch wood, it seems to be working. Not only have the marks been reducing, but the acne has as well. It's not totally gone, thanks to me being lazy (see beginning of post), and not doing the regimen religiously, however quite surprised at whatever results I've got. Here's an article that explains why coconut water is apparently good for skin. If like me, you live in a tropical country where this great fruit is abundant, you have no excuse to not use it (unless ofcourse you're lazy like me).

Learning from Past Mistakes

Just came across this headline today.

'At least 31 people killed' in Bangladesh ferry sinking.

As I read on, images flashed to my mind of my own experience with a ferry (near) disaster. I was 14. Had gone to the southern part of my country to visit my ailing Grandmother with my parents and siblings. On the way back, in the middle of the night, the ferry got stuck on some "islands" formed by silt in the middle of the river. We spent the night like that, waiting for some form of rescue, pretty terrified as the area was supposed to be sometimes attacked by "river pirates". My parents were carrying foreign currency (we were visiting from abroad), so there was much to be lost, even if we managed to escape with our lives. Luckily, with the arrival of dawn, another passenger ferry turned up and we managed to change ferries mid river. Quite exciting stuff for a teenager!

Anyway, back to the current headline, it is feared more than 200 people may have lost their lives. It seems people in Bangladesh have learnt absolutely nothing about personal safety over the years. Every year brings new news of ferry disasters and no one, neither the authorities nor individual passengers nor the owners of the vessels that ply the waterways do anything differently. It seems no one cares for these lives that are lost and will do nothing to change their ways.

Modern Times, Modern Problems

I often feel that we are going crazy with technology. We don't know how to live naturally at all. And we overshare everything. If you think facebook is bad, look at the people who go on reality shows. Then there's blogging and podcasting.

Who hasn't met or heard of someone having an online fling? And rare is the family who are not hooked totally to electronic gadgets. In fact, this is the typical modern family today, with children whose sole entertainment during their free time is computer games and playstations. Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking the higher ground here. I feel almost everyone I know (including my own family) is way too much into technology for their day to day affairs. I listen to podcasts while waiting for Daughter to go to sleep. H is hooked to the TV and Angry Birds. Daughter listens to audiobooks relentlessly. We cannot seem to go for a walk without something to listen to. Sounds of nature are just not bearable.

With all this reliance on unnatural things, it's no wonder unnatural and previously unheard of problems like ADD, ADHD, SID etc are so common nowadays. Sad and very worrying.

I try to fight the trends, unsuccessfully I might add. I try to remind H not to spring to the blackberry, TV and ipod every free second he gets. I try to limit Daughter's time listening to audiobooks. I try to not get hooked to day time TV.

Ofcourse, technology is not all bad. I live abroad, don't do conventional work and have few friends. This technology has kept me sane to a large extent. Countless times I have turned to google and babycentre to look up something that was wrong with my baby. So, on the whole I'm happy it's there. I just wish we didn't let technology consume us and change us into machines who spend little time communicating with each other in more natural ways.

Old Dutch Hospital, Fort.

I have started reading the Julie and Julia blog. While looking for it I also came across the rather disconcerting piece of news that Julie cheated on her husband (after the movie deal?) and then wrote another book about that experience. Weird or what? And somehow it just seems like she's exploiting people for money. Maybe she had an affair just so she could write about it. Who knows? Anyway, definitely won't be reading that book.

Life in Colombo is getting increasingly boring on a personal level now that I'm no longer studying and also because H is going crazy working round the clock. I so need a way of using my time constructively! So not the type to enjoy watching the TV the whole day long!

However there have been good changes happening in Colombo. More shops have opened up (Mango's here now, though way more expensive than any other shop here) and the old Dutch Hospital at Fort has been converted to a tourist hotspot of swanky restaurants and small outlets of the popular shops here such Odel and Barefoot. We've eaten at 2 of the joints : Work in Progress and Heladiv and both were good and very tastefully decorated. Many of the old structures are getting a much needed lick of paint as well. Also old colonial buildings are having their walls torn down so that they are more visible to passersby. The expressway to Galle is also operational though we still have not used it.

Changes change everything

So, daughter has learnt many new things this year. She can now:

1. Do multiplication up to 5 (Not yet taught at school)
   
2. Do addition through carrying (Not yet taught at school)
3. Do the back stroke (just about - and yes not taught at school : remind me again why I send her to school?)
4. Read mother tongue moderately well (not taught at school)
5. Count in mother tongue up to 30 (ditto).
6. Eat her dinner on her own (eating basmati rice on own with a spoon is a big deal: it's not simple at all, especially if mixed with gravy (ditto).
   
7. Go to sleep without me in the same room (though we do join her afterwards - her bed is still in our room). (ditto)

These are just some of the things I remember right now. I'm sure there are loads more.

Funnily enough, it is me who feels bad about her progress in many ways (not needing me to go to sleep) even though it is liberating. I'm so sentimental! However, am planning on blogging more regularly since I have more free time at night now.

What does it say about you when you don't like your friends?

Was watching Julie and Julia the other day when I noticed that rather interesting dialogue. This is exactly the way I feel. Or would feel if I had any real friends that is. Ha ha. Yes, I've realised that though I have plenty of this so called species on facebook, in reality I have precious little of them right now.

I think I did have friends till university. Then ofcourse everyone got busy with their lives, getting married, having kids, immigrating, moving. I did all of the above except for immigrating, and still had time for friends. However hardly any one had time for me in general. The problem is also exacerbated because of our moving around from country to country. Naturally it's easiest to make new friends with other expats. However as soon as I become anything near close to them, they up and leave. I have also had the misfortune that anyone who seems remotely interesting seems more interested in housework and ironically hanging around at home so that the maid can do their work, rather than socialising in the mornings when the kids (if they have any) are at school. I have also found it strange that the moms that I know prefer to have play dates with kids rather than meet when the kids are at home (refer back to making the maid work excuse). It seems strange that play dates for kids who are 6 or 7 years old are needed! Don't they get enough play time while they're at school for crying out loud?

Overall, I feel I've been swept aside and forgotten about while everyone is busy dealing with the rat race that is life. I don't really know why I don't feel much of an urge to join the rat race myself. I also feel I'm somewhat a loner in this search for friends. Most people I know are more interested in policing their housemaids, and sticking to their daily routines than meeting up with me.

Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty of people who want to stay in touch, more often than not when they need something. Usually after they have got what they wanted (often a free stay at my house, with me slaving away after them), I'm chewed up and spat out. There are other friends who are always on the invisible mode, again until they need to kill time.

Ofcourse it's entirely my fault that I have given people the message that it's ok to treat me in this fashion. And I've taken steps to reduce the dumb behaviour on my part. Even though it's lonely, it's better not to have many friends than to not like the ones you have.

Happy New Year

Even though I have only 3 followers to my posts, I'm going to keep on writing. Because I love looking back oh every year or so and seeing how things have changed.

December and January have both been extra-ordinarily busy. Got work for myself which I can do over the net! So that's totally amazing. I have yet to collect payment for work done though. Hope that works out, given that the people I'm offering services to are in another country!

Our driver quit in December and that was quite the wake up call as he did it the day before H left for NY and school was very much open. So have been taking steps towards getting a license. Got my learner's permit this month. It was a little bit of a nightmare doing so, as they couldn't make my finger prints match. I think that's down to me hardly having any discernible finger prints! I don't know why that is. Extra smooth fingers I guess.

Ok, it's the middle of the night here so must go!